I don’t want a lot for Christmas, 
There’s just a few things I need,
Like my kids using their inside voices,
And flushing after they’ve peed.

I just want a peaceful home,
More than you could ever know,
Make my wish come true,
Oh, who am I kidding? I’m screwed.

I don’t need to hang my stocking,
There upon the fireplace,
Cuz these jerks will just tear it down,
And hide it in some strange place.

Oh, I won’t ask for much this Christmas,
I won’t even wish for knowledge,
I’m just gonna keep on waiting,
For these kids to go the F to college.

I won’t make a list and send it,
To the north pole for St. Nick,
I just want to walk down the hall,
Without a surprise karate kick.

I want a break from parenting strife,
So maybe I can talk to my wife,
What more can I do?
My life’s as stupid as the movie Xanadu.

Oh all the lights are shining,
So brightly everywhere,
Am I the only one who knows,
how the switches work in here?

And everyone is screaming,
I think my ears are steaming,
Santa won’t you please do something really dear,
Won’t you please get me the Hell out of here?

Oh I don’t want a lot for Christmas,
This is all I’m asking for,
I just want to see my youngest,
Wipe his ass before he’s four.

Oh I just like to joke and moan,
But I’d hate to be alone,
Even though they flip my lid,
All I want for Christmas is my kids.