Awake to your five-year-old asking you why people die. Shake off sleep to try to answer this profound philosophical question with compassion. Begin muddling through the topic, as he listens with increasing frustration. Admit that life’s great mysteries can be humbling for us all, and that there are no answers, only more questions. Then learn that what he is actually asking for is a list of the *causes* of death. All of them.
Return brain to sleepy autopilot, roll over in bed and wing it: “diseased rat bite, polar bear attack, smart missiles, dumb missiles, fatty livers, burned at stake, Lou Gherig’s Disease, alien abduction (maybe), elephant stampede, time traveling cyborg assassin, not eating your veggies, hand axe, battle axe, longsword, two-handed sword, failed saving throw vs breath weapon, too much video game time, handguns kept in your home for defense, handguns kept in someone else’s home for defense, hypothermia, disrespecting your Mom in front of your Dad, peanut allergy, death by chocolate, falling into the African Wild Dog exhibit at the Pittsburgh Zoo, zzzzz . . .”
“Livers get FAT?! Ha!”