Me: No R___, I can’t listen to you give your speech again. Six times is the statutory limit for a father to care about a social studies assignment. H___! If you don’t get in here and do your spelling corrections right now I’m gonna . . . think of something really unpleasant.

H__: Make me listen to R__’s speech?

R__: Hey!

Me: N___, I can’t remember when you bathed last, but if you don’t get in here right now I think I have to call CPS on myself.

N___: I’m only coming if you put a peanut butter and honey sandwich in my lunch for tomorrow.

Me: B___, Mom told you to leave the faucet off dude. You’re going to overflow the sink.

B___: it will be a waterfall.

Me: no, it will be a B___fall. H___! Spelling corrections!

B___: I need to bathe my tigers.

Me: N___, get in the bath before I lose my mind.

N___: what about my sandwich? And also I want toothpaste that isn’t so spicy.

R___: Dad! H___ stole my hairbrush and is threatening to drop it in the toilet!

Me: SPELLING CORRECTIONS!!!

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Sunday Nights: when it all starts to unravel.