Me: I should totally fix X up with Y. 

Erin: That’s a terrible idea. Have you learned nothing?

Me: what? I fixed May up with Spiro and that’s been working since ’93. 

Erin: so you’re 1 for 20. The rest crashed and burned.

Me: well . . . they all got laid. 

Erin: that’s your barometer for success?

Me: (whispers) don’t judge me.