Me: come on Mom, let’s go buy you a new TV at Costco. 

Mom: I can’t believe you drive around in this thing. I mean, look at that carpet. $35 will get all of that cleaned up. 

Me: uh-huh. 

Mom: Shit oh dear! I forgot my Bed Bath & Beyond coupon. 

Me: But we’re going to *Costco* Mom. 

Mom: I wanna stop at Bed Bath & Beyond and get one of those magnifying mirrors. (pulls out cell) Do I need to dial “1”?

Me: you’re . . . you’re asking me if you need to dial a 1 while placing a call on your own cell phone?

Mom: (sigh) You’re no help. And the Goddamn dental insurance didn’t pay for my last two cleanings, even though I get two free ones a year. Oh Jesus wept, I have to talk to a freaking computer. Representative. REPRESENTATIVE! Here, can you read this?

Me: um, I’m driving.

Mom: I have to read them my membership ID number but I can’t because you’re bouncing this truck all over the God blessed road. Oh look, there’s JoAnn Fabrics!

Me: we’re not going to JoAnn Fabrics.

Mom: Christ! I forgot my tape measure. It never fails, the minute I clean out my purse and remove something, it turns out I need to God blessed thing.

Me: you don’t need a tape measure Mom. We’re going to Costco.

Mom: but how am I going to measure the bathroom vanities they sell?

Me: . . .

Mom: oh yeah, I’ve been meaning to tell you that it’s time for you to replace that crummy looking vanity in your powder room.