And lo, on the fourth day, the sun didst shine – at least somewhat. And there was much rejoicing. And he didst travel unto the grocery store, where he didst buy all the foodstuffs. As in, all. As in, the foodstuffs left for his fellow Texans numbered in the none.

And he returned home and declared that, to honor the gods, they would have breakfast for dinner. But verily, this would be no ordinary breakfast! For today, in addition to pancakes and eggs, and yes, yes, enough about the pancakes, this breakfast/dinner would be an epic Battle of The Bacon, wherein it would be determined which among Hickory Smoked, Pepper, and Applewood was the most savory, and maybe also the best in texture, though that is often a function of preparation more than anything to do with the intrinsic nature of the bacon itself. And this epic battle would determine, for once and for all – uh, yes, you can have more pancakes. So, this battle would – the syrup’s right in front of you for crying out loud! No, no, not on your eggs. Oh God! No, that’s too much! You’ve lost your syrup pouring privileges. And what are YOU doing?! No, no, no. A raw egg is not a pet! Oh Jesus, how could you not know that was going to happen?

Sigh. You know what, just never mind. The applewood is clearly gonna win. We all know that. I mean, hickory smoked is just a straw man, and I can’t say the word “pepper” in this house without three of you crying. No, no, it’s fine. Just go upstairs and watch Netflix. I’ll be up in a minute. I’d just like a few moments alone with the bacon.