* Hello, I’m calling to schedule a sick visit with Doctor Johnson.

* I’m sorry sir, he’s on vacation this week and next.

* . . . Um . . . can you page him? I mean, he’ll be totally cool ‘cuz I’m like his favorite patient.

* Is this an emergency?

* Well, you see, that’s kinda the problem. I *may* have somewhat overstated the gravity of my illness in a very public way. And now that I *may* be starting to feel a little better, I kinda need the doctor to have intervened in some way, because if I just get over this thing without the care of a doctor, then, well, it’s not gonna go well for me.

* I’m sorry, I don’t understand.

* My wife is getting dozens of texts asking if I’m being checked into the ICU.

* The ICU?

* (Sigh). Forget it. I’m just gonna have to take my medicine.

* Do you need a prescription refill?

* No, it was figure of speech. I meant . . . oh, nevermind.