Wait, wait. Now I remember. I’ve got to tell PJ about my favorite coffee shop. He’d love it because he appreciates awesomeness more than most and . . . and TODAY IS HIS BIRTHDAY! Holy Resigning Popes! I dodged a bullet there. Fortunately for me, he’ll never know I forgot, because this technology that I’m using to transfer my thoughts directly into Facebook posts only shows direct thoughts – it won‘t show the *absence* of a thought. So unless I’m directly thinking about the absence of . . . shit! Think about pink elephants, think about pink elephants, banish other thoughts, pink elephants, pink elephants, pink elephant dongs, pink elephant nose piercings, PJ has a nose piercing and I forgot his birthday AHHHHH!

Okay, okay, you can salvage this. Say something sweet. PJ’s a sucker for sweet. (taps head) “Is this thing on?” Ahem.

Happy birthday to Patrick John B__. I have many friends and comrades, but very few with whom I can say that I became a man. We met as mere children, but since that time, all along the way, PJ has been a fabulous constant in this journey called life. He has literally seen me through my best and worst times, several times over. I love him more than words in English can express. In truth, a saying in the alien language Sa’rkithi best sums up my feelings: “Roth’ki nunjeev faoloki.” Loosely translated, and depending on the context, the saying means either “My heart swells to breaking by unconditional positive regard” or “Dude, you’re stepping on my schlong.”

I love you PJ.

This birthday wish was worse than you expected, but you should have expected it to be a lot worse than it really was.