Happy birthday to the only man I know who prefers to be called by a name which has the word “pee” in it. Regrettably, I used up most of my kind words about you in my toast at your wedding, and I’m saving the rest of the good ones for your funeral, at which I expect to be given a keynote address, preferably with Ted on the drums to provide the rimshots. As it is, I’ll have to cobble together this birthday message from the scraps I have left. So, here it is, in Mad Lib form:

You are one of the [slowly] [acceptable] buddies I’ve ever [puked]. You are not [unkind] to [chickens], and might even [fuck] [ducks]. I hope you [Barry laugh] at your [small] [penis]. I wish I saw your face more frequently because it’s [better than your ass]. I love you. Which is to say, [suck] [it]. Happy birthday [Peej]. Yours, etc., [JMH].