Hello, is this the About-To-Lose-Your-Shit Hotline? . . . Yeah, it’s me again. . . . Um, you can probably guess why I’m calling, so I’ll just get started. To kick off the week, my wife backed into my brother’s truck. My brother’s *parked* truck. In our *driveway*. So, yeah, that happened. Then lately my job has required me to work a lot, which is against my policy of not working a lot. And my wife got a speeding ticket, which I’m not even able to complain about because I got like three over the summer, and not complaining is hard for me, as you know. And we recently took the deposition of a plaintiff in which he refused to tell us the name of his accountant, and insisted that he fired this unnamed accountant because he wasn’t happy with his service, and then we eventually threatened to call the judge to make him answer and he admitted that this unnamed accountant was in fact him, and he fired *himself* because he wasn’t happy with the service he was providing to himself – and all of a sudden I’m sure that someone has slipped me crazy pills. And my daughter has been home sick for the past two days and keeps asking me if I’m Team Edward or Team Jacob, and I’m like “that’s so five years ago”, and she’s like “you didn’t let me read it five years ago” and she’s got a point, so now I have to figure that shit out. And I went out of my way to pick up the new Wimpy Kid book, which I thought would be a cool surprise, but then everybody’s screaming at each other about who gets to hold it, and I’m like why do I do anything ever? And now I’ve got to go to a hospital holiday party tonight, where I’m gonna have to talk to a bunch of doctors, which is the absolute kiss of death. I mean, I thought *I* was self-absorbed. But they’re all like “I was blah blahing my patient when suddenly I noticed his wah wah was misarticulated vis-à-vis his wanklestein, so I had the nurse hold his bojanger and we performed a reverse triple santicklio scope without the need for lubrication. Remarkable, eh?” Zzzzzzzzz. If I can just make it past the five intubation discussions I’ll have to listen to this evening, then I’ll only have half a dozen more of these parties to survive this holiday season. And don’t even get me started on this freaking dog toppling bathroom trash cans and dragging used tissues out and shredding them all over the house. And then Erin has this jean jacket – as in, like *denim* – and she wore it this week, and I’m like “what, did I marry Jo from The Facts of Life?” And that normally would be killer, but I got crickets. I think I might be losing my mojo. Do you think I’m losing my mojo? Hello? Hello?!