Okay, okay. I’m going to my “real doctor” tomorrow. But he won’t be able to help, because based on copious internet research, I have narrowed the possibilities for my affliction down to three: (1) a mummy’s curse, (2) the early stages of the onset of lycanthropy, or (3) a rare virus thought only to affect reptiles – at which point subsequent DNA coding will prove what I’ve long suspected – that I’m half V. 

Fingers crossed that it’s lycanthropy.