Internal dialogue as I walk home:

“Can I pee over there?”

“I’m so smart for bringing this windbreaker.”

“Oh shit! Is that a raccoon?!”

“Yeah, I’d probably mug me.”

“What about peeing over here?”

“Glad I didn’t drive. NOT!”

“No, seriously, seriously . . . it’s good I’m not driving. Why I’m not taking a cab though is freaking beyond me.”

“Screw it, I’m peeing on this elementary school.”

“Wait. What if they have motion sensor lights?! Abort! Abort!”

“Gawd! Why do I live where I live?!”

“Maybe Erin will come pick me up.”

“There’s not a chance in Hell that Erin will come pick me up.”

“I know! Do a boot camp marching song to get you home.”

“Ugh. Why do I hang out with me?”