If this were really a smartphone, it would screen my calls for me.

Leave shirt untucked to deemphasize your gut. Have insane wind repeatedly blow your shirt up, exposing your gut.

If bacon thief becomes a career, my kids will go far.

I said “family wrestling match”, not “family slapping my fat”.

A lawyer from Microsoft just sent me an email where he intended to type “(c)”, but instead typed “©”. A lawyer from Microsoft.

I’m the Rosa Parks of the calling-just-three-shrimp-a-“shrimp-cocktail”-is-bullshit movement.

It is a perverse fact that teaching your kids to clean up after themselves one time is so much harder than just cleaning up after them every time.

Whoa! Before you kids start eating this Easter candy, you need to have a bowl of this sugary cereal.

I don’t know what you think “hawk fist” is, but we do not use it on the man who is wiping your butt.

How many times do I have to say it? We don’t throw scissors at spaghetti squash! Seriously, how many times? Because I’m willing to bet that I’m already the only human who has ever said that even once.

If you’re gonna request a last minute date when I’m already in my sweatpants and Minas Morgul t-shirt, you could at least jazz it up with some rhyming couplets or a Sling Blade impression or something.

You see kids, the lottery is just a tax on dumb people who can’t do math – like your daddy, who will be moving to an undisclosed tropical island tonight after he wins this thing.

I’m all about parenting as a team. But if you make a road trip rule of “no more joking for the next ten minutes”, there’s virtually nothing I can do to prevent the tsunami of irreverence that follows.

La Quinta: because your wife made the reservation.

You know your ass has been kicked when you’re looking forward to the six and a half hour drive home because it means that you’ll get to sit down.

Ye though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil, because I have FOUR freaking kids. Seriously, go find somebody you can actually scare.

If it’s all the same to you ma’am, I’d rather pay for this second coffee too. It’s the only way I’m gonna learn not to drive off with it on my roof.

My first mistake was agreeing to workout with my wife and her trainer. My second mistake was not bringing a white flag to raise.

The word is “pants” son – nobody says “butt clothes”.