I love Little League, but practice on Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings with games this Saturday and Sunday? Seriously? I have *three* other kids, to say nothing of my strong desire to be doing something other than standing behind the plate and tossing balls back when they aren’t foul tipped into my junk. Something involving wine or spirits, and maybe an occasional seared scallop or two, perhaps while discussing the works of biographer Robert Caro or how you can’t really watch Raiders of The Lost Ark anymore even though you loved it as a kid because that sh*t is boring as f**k by today’s standards. In any event, these aren’t The Yankees. These are seven and eight year-olds who are mostly going through the motions because their Dads grew up loving Nolan Ryan (or some other ball players vastly less cool than Nolan Ryan). Let’s try to be a little more same henceforth, hmm?

Also, did you know you’re wearing a visor? I ask only because I assume it was placed on your head without your knowledge, perhaps by a prankster ninja, and that you’d be alarmed by your own appearance were you able to make use of a mirror. If you *were* in fact aware of the visor on your head, then I’m afraid I’m going to have to pull rank and relieve you of your duties as our first base coach due to what is a clear and demonstrable lack of good judgment on your part.

Ah – I see that my youngest has now awoken from his nap in the car, so I will leave you to your somewhat over-the-top coaching whilst I engage in what I assume will be some combination of mock Power Rangers combat and lively discussion of frogs. Good day!