Me: why aren’t you on Facebook?
Buddy: because I’m not a 15 year-old girl. Why? Are you one of those people who posts his grocery list online for everyone he’s ever met to read?
Me: . . . well . . . in my defense, my grocery list *is* fairly amusing.
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My grocery list:
*Popcorn (not a shitty kind)
*Beer (oh! Call in replacement keg order while you’re at it)
*Other beer
*Wine (something that pairs well with beer)
*Different wine (to pair with peanut butter and/or despair)
*Fresh veggies (to replace the uneaten ones we just threw away)
*Latest Cook’s Illustrated (to aspire to but not actually ever read)
*Stinky cheese
*Wackym’s Kitchen Salted Caramel cookies (hide in a better spot this time)
*Some kind of dinner item
*Lunch stuff (what? You figure it out)
*Bacon (not from freaking Canada for God’s sake)
*Some high fiber, allegedly healthy bread that doesn’t taste nearly as awesome as sourdough.
*Tomato soup (not that weird brand)
*Roasted red pepper and tomato soup (yes, that weird brand)
*Horizon American cheese slices (are they publicly traded?)
*Some more dinner stuff I guess
*Mango habanero salsa
*Tortilla chips (but not the hexagonal kind – this is America damnit!)
*Bananas (fine, fine, get the green kind, but don’t come crying to me with your I-Wish-I-Could-Eat-A-Banana-Ri
*Perrier (those small cans or nothing)
*Pink grapefruit Perrier (bottles okay for this one)
*Garlic lime cashews from bulk aisle (key word: bulk)
*Popchips
*Cancel the Popchips – I’ll just eat them all at once while standing in the pantry and pretending to plan dinner
*Fine, cancel the Salted Caramel cookies too.
*You know what – do we really need the food items on here, or can they wait? Cuz I could just stop at King’s Liquor and say to Hell with the rest of it.
*Oh snap! Milk, right?? I guess we gotta go now.
*Oh yeah. Eggs and cereal too.
*Soy milk
*Almond milk
*Rice milk (which one of them drinks rice milk? Couldn’t they just agree on one non-dairy alternative?)
*A nap (I know that’s not a grocery item)