I expressed doubt as to whether I should decant the wine because we might not finish the bottle. And then we laughed and laughed.
My wife just described me to a third party as “reluctantly awesome”. I can’t decide whether to be pissed or to have that phrase carved on my gravestone.
Saturday mornings: when I get to live my dream of being a short order cook to a tribe of bonobos.
House Hamilton: where the kids drink milk from wine glasses, and the adults drink wine from jelly jars.
It wouldn’t be a weekday morning if my four-year-old didn’t time the delivery of his “super spine punch” to coincide with the exact moment that I’m sipping my coffee.
House guests arrive tomorrow. Maids came yesterday. House already looks like a dorm room shared between Sasquatch and Cookie Monster.
Eleven hour round trip drive to drop my daughter off and salvage what’s left of her school camping trip. She better remember this when I’m being a dick to her future boyfriends.
Look baby, I was educated by the Texas public school system in the 80s. Not only can I not give you an example of an archipelago or an isthmus, I don’t even know what the bliv those things are. I mean, this is America – we’re *proud* we don’t know that stuff.
* Dad, smell my hand! Does it smell like ice cream sandwich?
* Uh, it smells like dog crap.
* Wait, that was the wrong hand! Walking dog in snow.
Sorry son. The only thing meaner than an older sister is an older sister paired with her two best friends. C’mon, let’s go watch Star Wars.
There are things you shouldn’t have to say, like “you can’t run around the house naked with a Popsicle stick in your butt crack as a tail.”
The chief thing I learned from my education at The University of Chicago is that I should mention my education at The University of Chicago.
“You’re all naked too? This is so embarrassing. Well, let’s not make a big deal out of it.” – conversation between every Barbie in my house.
The problem with parenting is that you don’t get sick days. Or spontaneous midnight movies. Or anything else you want, ever again.
It would almost be worth buying a new lunchbox every day if it meant I wouldn’t have to open the one my son brings home from school.
Me, every grocery trip: I’m so smart. If I don’t BUY cookies, I can’t EAT cookies. Me, every evening: I’m such an idiot! If I don’t BUY cookies, I can’t EAT cookies!
When measured along a continuum of frustrating and/or unpleasant experiences from my past, this visit to Phoenix International Airport falls somewhere between my inability to get to second base with that sophomore girl I dated during senior year of high school and that time I was delivering a pizza and got mugged with pepper spray.
I would rather have to go to war in Afghanistan for 18 months than spend even 1 month as a middle school girl.
And then your daughter makes you listen to an awful song she wrote during recess about pre-teen angst, and announces that she might make it into a poem and then prepare an imaginary Ted Talk about her song-turned-poem, and you can’t stop laughing because she is you, only better.
Step away to check on whether table is ready. Return to find dude with chutzpah hitting on wife. See her point to the part of his shirt that is half untucked and dismissively call him “disheveled”. Wonder how you ever landed her in the first place.
My 6th grader expressly forbade me from doing anything embarrassing at drop off. Guess I wrote this “When R___ Learned To Potty” song for nothing.
Am I prepared to participate in a quick call with a customer’s lawyer while I’m at happy hour? Sure! Provided of course that the customer’s lawyer is prepared for my copious use of the F word during said call.
I’m not exactly knocking Esquire Magazine’s regular feature titled “Funny Joke From A Beautiful Woman”, but why ain’t it ever a funny joke from a Smart Woman, or a Strong Woman, or a Courageous Woman, or any of the other awesome character traits that women can have?
Any burger you get at 1AM is a burger you shouldn’t be getting at 1AM.
Hear your son shout the words “sic ’em!” Be bitten on the ankle by puppy. Witness your daughter reward puppy with dog treat immediately afterwards. Concede this round to your children.
Take your 4 kids and 3 of their cousins to the neighborhood pool by yourself. Mentally compose letter to the 2002 version of you who got stressed out by caring for his one child when his wife was at work. Begin letter with the words “Dear Pussy . . .”
Did I just download the Sanford and Son ringtone? Yes. Yes I did.
Go to sleep next to lovely wife. Wake up next to beard biting puppy, foot pouncing kitten, and two giggling children. Reflect on knowledge that your experience of life as maddening or delightful is entirely up to you. Choose delight again.
All I’m saying is that there should be an understood procedural time out in a game of hide and seek if you discover puppy pee on your rug while you’re trying to hide.
Skills & Expertise for which I am most often endorsed on LinkedIn: Litigation, Corporate Law, and Intellectual Property. Skills & Expertise for which I should be most often endorsed on LinkedIn: Complaining, Hyperbole, and Feigning Skills & Expertise.
There’s nothing like starting the morning with a healthy breakfast and then almost immediately following that with a second, unhealthy breakfast.
I’m an extrovert trapped inside an introvert who is masquerading as an extrovert.
My neighbor just showed me a video clip of him using some kind of new water jet boots to levitate over the surface of a lake like Iron Man and now my life is incomplete.
It was a lot easier to be a good parent when these kids were in school from 8 to 3:30.
Do I want a sushi menu? Um, we are still in Granbury, Texas correct? Unless one of your many concert-T-shirt-wearing patrons makes a compelling argument to the contrary, I will content myself with your hibachi offerings.
The bad news is I may now have grown ovaries. The good news is that when you’re poolside as the only dude with 25 SAHMs and the white wine sangria they brought, you’re pretty much okay with that fact.
Volunteer to chauffeur ladies for girls’ night out so they don’t get into an accident. Stupidly drive over a curb, shredding tire. Search for punch line. Realize the punch line is you.
I think the better question is why the other people you know *don’t* take their mimosas into the shower with them.
Bloody Mary delivery – make it happen America.