Timeline For A Morning When Your Wife Is Away On Call (about 4 times a month)
6:20AM – Wake, dress, wake your children, do Dad stuff
6:45AM – Walk dog, do more Dad stuff.
7:25AM – Leave for school drop off.
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Timeline For A Morning When Your Wife Is Not Away On Call (most mornings)
5:15AM – wake to your wife leaving for boot camp, or running, or front yard yoga, or some other horrifying crap at this hour. Roll over and go back to sleep.
6:00AM – wake to your daughter coming into your room to retrieve her phone that you confiscate every night. Roll over and go back to sleep.
6:20AM – wake to your “You Should Probably Get Up” alarm. Turn it off. Roll over and go back to sleep.
6:30AM – wake to your “Okay, Really Get Up Now” alarm. Turn it off. Roll over and go back to sleep.
6:33AM – wake to your “You’re An Asshole” alarm. Turn it off. Roll over and go back to sleep.
Between 6:34AM and 6:38AM – wake to the front door opening, signaling your wife’s return. Leap out of bed and scurry down the hall to hastily wake the rest of the kids before she comes up the stairs. Do your best to casually appear as if you got up fifteen minutes ago, even though you’re standing in your underwear with bedhead and half-sealed eyes.
6:40AM – engage your wife in a brief, subtle chess game over who walks the dog. Because you’re totally happy to do it – in fact, you were just about to – but she IS already dressed and in her shoes. And you’ve been getting the other kids up and dressed, so you haven’t even gotten to use the bathroom yet, much less dress yourself. And she doesn’t mind? Really? Because you’ll totally do it . . .
6:41AM – either: (A) (20% chance) Walk the dog, or (B) (80% chance) Send the kids downstairs to a breakfast already being prepared by their nanny (grandmother). Return to your room to find that your oldest, who has already made herself breakfast, dressed, and applied makeup, is sleeping in your bed. Because even though she is more responsible than you, she is still very much your daughter. Nudge her over and climb into bed.
Between 6:50AM and 7:00AM – hunger leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to The Dark Side. Rise from your crypt like a ravenous Lich King. Don the same cargo shorts you wear every day. Pull t-shirt over your head. Realize you’re too fat for this t-shirt. Place it back in your drawer where you will forget and try to wear it again next week. Put on different shirt.
7:01AM – arrive in breakfast room to preside like Solomon the Wise over some heated debate between your kids about when we have to leave for school (even though we do it every day), or whether your son’s face jokes are funny (they are not), or whether a particular animal could beat another animal in a fight (yes, but only if they are stout of heart).
7:09AM – prepare and eat your breakfast in relative peace while your wife and mom hurry around brushing your youngest daughter’s hair, finding your youngest son’s missing shoe, putting lunches in backpacks, and whatever.
7:25AM – leave for school drop off. Wonder aloud as you walk out the door why some folks are so stressed in the morning.
8:10AM – arrive back home, wondering if you might get lucky before your wife leaves for work.
8:11AM – learn that you will not get lucky before your wife leaves for work.