Just got a mustache hair caught in and yanked by the flip tab of a Perrier can and now I question everything.
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This just in: privileged white guy pulled over by police – issued warning, thanked for his courtesy, and complimented on his Millennium Falcon T-shirt.
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A night owl married to a morning person? Manageable.
A night owl married to a morning person who gives birth to an extroverted, chatty little morning person? Challenging.
A night owl married to a morning person who gives birth to an extroverted, chatty little morning person and also frequently works weekends. Soul crushing.
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Speaking for Early This Morning Mike, Now Mike and Later Today Mike, I’d like to say: up yours, Last Night Mike.
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My daughter said “Daddy, you’re the voice of this bear.” Thought she said “voice of despair.” Worst. Puppet show. Ever.
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“I’m going to go run these errands. When I get back, we need to pack bags for all the kids. Which I guess means I need to pack bags for all the kids while you pack just for yourself like always. Also, I challenge you to be in a different position than that exact spot on the couch when I get back.” – my wife, fully experiencing marital bliss.
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You turn out the lights and climb into bed. And then you remember that the trash and recycling pickup is early tomorrow morning. And you forgot to make your son take your overflowing recycling out to the bins and wheel them to the curb. And now he’s asleep. And your wife is at work, so you can’t even try to rock-paper-scissors your way out of this. It’s just you.
So you groan, and shuffle downstairs, and get your arms around one of the massively full bins. And aluminum cans are falling out, and glass bottles are clattering onto the floor. And how can we have this much newspaper from just a weekend subscription? And don’t they know we can’t recycle these lines milk cartons? And you open your back door and step outside to see what may be a coyote but is probably a warg looking back at you. And you’re not sure which of you makes the high pitched noise, but you shut the door. Because how important is getting the recycling for a six person household picked up each week anyway?
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* Are you calling me “chum” or “chump”?
* Chump.
* What do you think that word means?
* I don’t know, best friend or something.
* Chum means close friend. Chump means a fool or a sucker who is easily tricked.
* . . . Well, can’t you be both?
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“I know you were ready to do this solo, but you must be so grateful I’m here. I mean, you couldn’t have done this without me. I’m like the MVP of this road trip.”
“One of those statements is true.”
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No hard feelings Chic-fil-A. Now that marriage equality has happened, the Hamilton family can eat your grub without guilt about the money you were spending to prevent it. For now we’ll just ignore the other reasons to feel guilty (e.g., treatment of chickens, how most of this food is bad for us, how unsustainable our whole meat culture is, etc.), and just raise a chicken sandwich to healing. Also, I like your new salads. Or, maybe they’re not new? Anyway, peace.
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Okay kids, new rule: if you find yourself saying “then take this!”, don’t do whatever you’re about to do.
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So many worry about freedom from the tyranny of government, but what about freedom from the tyranny of your thirteen-year-old daughter? “You can’t wear your beach towel into this restaurant, Dad.” “If you don’t trim your beard Dad, I’m gonna do it in your sleep.” “No Dad, just no.”
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First, this is not a submarine, it’s my bed. Second, you are not a singing sea captain, you’re a loquacious five-year-old. Third, I am not a torpedo, but if you don’t shut it and get off of me, I may display some of its explosive traits.
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So embarrassing when you publicly thank one friend for getting you an El Gallo de Oro T-shirt when it was actually another friend, acting independently, who also got you the T-shirt, and you find out when you glance online while at Target, and you’re now the worst person in the world, and your kids have to stand there in the aisle and wait while you compose your apology with your thumbs, and no, you can’t have another godforsaken Skylander, and would you just leave me alone for three minutes while I fall on my sword?!
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Took a risk for movie night and introduced them to Charlie Chaplin. Was rewarded with kids laughing so hard they couldn’t breathe. Skills.
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Bring cayenne almonds on road trip. Praise self for being a smarty who snacks on healthy stuff. Absentmindedly rub eyes, getting cayenne dust in them. Curse self for being the dumbest smart who ever cried his way through a road trip.