You don’t have a “fight or flight” response, you have a “fight or fight MORE” response. Indeed, back in your law firm days, your buddies referred to this angry, vindictive, spiteful incarnation of you as Red Hamilton – an alternate personality who, like The Incredible Hulk, was capable of destructive rage that mortified his mild-mannered alter ego. But it’s been a long time since Red Hamilton showed up. Sure, there was one time last November when someone intentionally baited him out of his slumber. But otherwise it’s been years. And whether it’s because of time and wisdom, or because you’re generally happier, or because you no longer give people the power to piss you off, you think maybe you’ve finally mastered him.

And then it’s your son’s eleventh birthday, and you’re playing a video game with him when the phone rings. And it’s your daughter’s reading tutor, who has worked with her for four years and whom you all adore.

And she’s in tears.

And you drop what you’re doing of course because (a) you are a decent human being, and (b) you have a massive hero complex. And she was just fired for absurd reasons by someone who has to be a crazy person. And now she won’t be able to do any of the planned summer lessons with your daughter. And they just escorted her out of the building without letting her take her stuff. And she didn’t get to prepare any of her students or say goodbye. And as she continues to speak, something begins to stir within you. Something dark, and malevolent, and unbidden. But you’re not aware of it at first. And you begin to speak more quickly. And you start sentences with phrases like “Oh, Hell no!” and begin using nonsense curses like “mother puss fuck” and “cock ass havers!” And like Sonny Corleone, you find yourself biting one of the fingers of your own clenched fist. And then you remember what this is.

Whoa, whoa. Take a breath fella. It’s okay. We don’t need you here. We’ve got it under control. Calm, cool Mike is so much more effective than Red Hamilton. She’s gonna land on her feet with a better job.

“They made me sign a non-compete when they hired me.”

Okay, okay. That’s not a problem. Those things are very difficult to enforce even when they’re written well. And almost nobody knows how to structure them well. So she can send it over and I’ll check it out. In the meantime, she should file for unemployment and –

“They told me they’re going to fight my unemployment application because that’s what they always do.”

Huh! They – they told her . . . oh ho. Ooof! Okay . . . that’s not fatal either. I’ve participated in some of those calls with the Texas Workforce Commission, and they don’t really have valid grounds to succeed at that hearing under these facts. Especially with the evidence here. So the employer is wrong. She should be able to get unemployment.

“She said I’d have to hire an attorney and laughed in my face about that.”

. . . Sh-she . . . she laughed at you? Because your unemployment is a joke to her? This is a joke to her??!

. . . Fuck it. HULK SMASH!!