Take son to field with a ball and glove to work on his throwing accuracy. Throw wide to his left, his right, the ground in front of him, the forest behind him, and all manner of other places that are *not* his glove where you are aiming. Lose ball in the dense brush as a result of one of your errant throws. Walk home while explaining the concept of irony.

* * *

First it was 30 Rock, then Breaking Bad, then Colbert, and soon Mad Men and Jon Stewart. It’s like they’re trying to take away all the cultural touchstones that make me even semi-normal. Soon I’ll be sitting alone in a coffee shop drinking pointless decaf and mumbling to myself about The Moth Radio Hour.

* * *

You haven’t really been a proud American until you’ve watched a 96 year-old WWII Purple Heart veteran hit on your wife from his hospice bed. God bless you Grandpa Maxson.

* * *

“We’re having dinner guests tonight?! But Dad! I’ve been away from home for a week, I’ve been camping and hiking, and I’m gross.”

“So take a shower.”

“But I’m also . . . emotionally gross.”

* * *

No Caffeine, Day 14: have nothing overpriced to habitually carry around in my bored hands; can’t stay up past 10:30PM, likely ending my lifelong status as night owl; routinely sleep soundly through night like a log wrapped in cotton and left in a tomb; wake up refreshed with no desire to hit snooze; feeling generally less grouchy and can no longer accurately state that I hate mornings or morning people. Conclusion: experiencing massive identity crisis which may require me to abandon course and/or take up smoking.

* * *

An evening drive. The Disney song Part of Your World plays through the speakers.

H: “If you think about it, Ariel was pretty selfish.”

R: “The Little Mermaid? Selfish?”

B: “Get it? Sel-FISH!”

R: ” . . . ”

B: (turns reading light on above his sister’s head). “Hey Dad, R___ has an idea!”

Me, to wife: “Who is this kid??”

* * *

All I’m saying is if I were 13 and being picked up from a coed birthday party after 10PM, I’d love it if my Dad pulled up with the windows down blaring Holding Out For A Hero.