Seeking full time manager (to work with part time manager who already has an additional full time, completely absorbing career) to jointly supervise four demanding individuals (and their four animals and fifteen fish) on a 24/7 basis. Salary range: none. Employee benefits: none. Vacation: soul-crushingly limited. Opportunity for promotion: dependent entirely on the procreation decisions of the individuals you supervise. Responsibilities: all.
Prior experience: at least thirteen years in this or similar role, and no less than five years of experience in this exact role. Should also have done some carefree wandering to get it out of your system because those days are frigging over.
Minimum required skills:
- Ability to explain everything (or at least knowledge of where to find such an explanation);
- Capacity to multitask while multitasking;
- Proficiency with editing and revising essays on topics you don’t understand, while cooking dinner for six, while defending yourself from Nerf sword attacks;
- Ability to do math that you can’t do;
- Familiarity with the aerodynamics of everything, including kites, paper airplanes, footballs and cats;
- Knowledge of how high in a tree is too high to climb, and the ability to persuasively advocate on behalf of your authority on this subject while standing on the ground fifty feet below your intended audience;
- Ability to project calm confidence in spite of secret mind-numbing fear;
- Awareness of your own inadequacies and steadfast resolve to grow and improve on same;
- Kind heart;
- Patient mind;
- Loving spirit;
- Ability to dispel heartaches with a joke, or a Popsicle, or a joke about Popsicles;
- Wizard-like ability to hide the fact that you were just interrupted while having sex;
- Good-natured willingness to resume sex in spite of the likelihood of further interruption;
- Prescience as to when your charges will need to go to the bathroom, or if they’re going to wash their hands, or whether a particular movie or television show will be appropriate for each or any of them – even though you haven’t seen it or read anything at all about it;
- Encyclopedic knowledge of all the monsters – ALL of them – and the ability to prevent their presence generally, and their attacks specifically;
- Sandwich artistry;
- Lie detection;
- Passable talent for pretending to listen;
- Intuitive understanding of when you really do need to listen;
- Constant compassion, even in the face of lunacy;
- Knowledge of whether your charges are brushing their teeth adequately even when you’re in the other room and can’t see them while it’s happening;
- Tendency to make joyful noises even though you have a lump in your throat because your charges are growing up before your eyes, and you wanna stop time to soak it all in but like Grand Moff Tarkin, the more you tighten your grip, the more star systems slip through your fingers;
- Capacity to enjoy it all – even the parts you don’t enjoy;
- Appreciation/gratitude for what you have;
- Humility;
- Talent for impersonating everyone and everything, especially a daddy cheetah, a daddy liger, a daddy unicorn, and Patrick from SpongeBob;
- Childlike glee in all things, except throwing food – cut that shit out!
- Doctorate level mastery of nutrition, behavioral psychology, behavioral economics, childhood development, education, basic medicine, basic personal finance, advanced personal finance, Middle Earth, and Legos;
- Thick skin;
- Strong moral compass;
- Endurance for lack of sleep, lack of food, lack of quiet, and lack of private access to the toilet;
- Ability to avoid being fired from your other full time career in spite of the constant demands of both positions;
- Willingness to catch yourself in the middle of losing your shit, take a breath, and then make a fart joke.
Recommended additional skills or certifications:
- Laundry
- Hair stylist
- Finder of lost shoes
Required languages: English, Spanish, Nerd (all dialects), and Crazy Person.
Tenure: permanent, without ability to resign or retire.
Rewards: infinite.