I need to stop texting & driving, but I REALLY need to stop texting & driving & eating nachos.

I can’t decide between a soy latte and an open letter to my CEO explaining all the reasons his head is in his ass.

The Starbucks drive-thru messed up our order by omitting my drink and giving us two of my wife’s. Now instead of coffee, I’m drinking Christmas elf vomit.

Thanks for nothing, inventor of Tootsie Rolls.

This is the kind of cold, dreary day on which I like to curl up with a good book and then not read that book as I watch TV.

Someone left me two voicemails this weekend and now I have to decide whether to delete them unheard or set my phone on fire.

I hate it when your ex-wife shows up & you’re like “why the F are u in my kitchen?!” & then u remember you’re still married & make breakfast

It’s so embarrassing when you try to stand up but your airplane seatbelt is still buckled, and then you cry and talk about 7th grade band.

I’m sorry I called you a Bee Gee. At worst you’re 1 of the Pips. You know, as in “Gladys Knight & the”. Where are u going? I’m apologizing!

Be grateful for some stuff you don’t have. Like a dude eating a cheesesteak in the airplane seat beside you – I envy you not having that.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the Internet, trying to find a joke that gives ladies an orgasm.

When I show a lady my bedroom, I say “this is where the magic happens” b/c that’s where I practice card tricks. Also, not good with ladies.

You know what’s more boring than this airplane ride? The smell of that dude’s farts. Same brand every time.

I didn’t shake well enough & dribbled pee in my pants. Now I’m worried people will think I spilled my drink in my crotch like an ass.

Review favorite contacts list on phone. Ask self who you’re kidding. Delete most of the entries.

Damnit! I accidentally sprayed cologne onto my finger. Now every time I drink my coffee I smell leather and ambition and horses.

It’s gotten to the point where my seventh grader asks me to check her math homework just to be amused by my efforts to do so.