Asked daughter to help w/ dishes & lunch packing. She did well enough to avoid scolding, but crappy enough that I won’t ask again. So proud!
Unravel him? <Sigh> Sometimes I think my wife doesn’t take this mummy preparedness plan seriously.
I tear up sometimes when I remember all the challenges my students overcame. Then I realize that I’ve confused my life with the movie Stand & Deliver.
You know you’ve taken the whole working from home on a treadmill desk thing a bit far when your kids refer to you as a “so-called lawyer”.
Asked wife to buy cookies. Just checked pantry to find shortbread. Am now mulling what kind of child custody arrangement to seek.
You know you’re old when there is no prize that a pop radio station could ever offer that would prompt you to try to be the tenth caller.
“It’s time to take this shit to the next level” – me, keeping it at the same level with a brave face.
Kids: geniuses when it’s time to figure out new technology or decode your cryptic messages to your spouse, but total dipshits about hygiene.
I’m starting to think that being a flippin’ parent has friggin’ broken my ability to be a flumpin’ potty mouth.
5 y.o. daughter asked me if the 2 men in cowboy hats were wearing them as a “jokey costume”. They glared at her, so I loudly answered “yes”
My superpower is offering you better wording to use during a phone conversation that you’re having with someone else.
Wife’s thought: he’s gonna try to sneak off to nap on the couch.
My thought: no one suspects that I’m gonna sneak off to nap on the couch.
“Hey! Let’s fuck with the blinds!” – cats.
Sign that my wife has had too much to drink: hiccups.
Sign that I have had too much to drink: loud professions of love for the valet guys.
Tonight, you do the dishes while I stand beside you & judge the way you do them while rocking an air guitar – good idea, or best idea ever?
My dream job would be a radio show in which I argue with myself about whether I’m inadequate or woefully inadequate.
“I’ll hide this important thing where the kids will never find it” – me, preparing to never see some important thing again.
Fifty Shades of I Don’t Need Another Reason to Masturbate.
Treadmill was making a slight noise, so I tightened it up with an Allen wrench. Now it doesn’t make that noise. Or any noise. Or work.
It’s always awkward at monster parties to tiptoe around the fact that one third of The Chimera is goat.
I have a deal w/ my wife: I cook & do the dishes, she owns the laundry. My wife has a deal w/ the nanny: nanny does the laundry. Checkmate.
Ideally, my kids would use tissues. But I’d be happy if I could get them to stop intentionally wiping their noses on my shirt.
I’m not saying my preadolescent daughter is a drama queen, but the kitten stepped on her eye and now she “can’t see the color white”.
Boys, when I said it was okay to pee in the shower, I meant when you’re taking one.