After over a decade of parenting, I can now lick my finger and use it to wash my kids’ faces better than most adults can shower themselves.

What is wrong with kids? It’s my freaking dream to have someone fix me lunch & then demand that I drop everything to eat it.

Fireworks are illegal in the city kids, so if we want to celebrate, we’re gonna have to set fire to the cats.

OMG! How long have you been using the hand towel to wipe yourself after you pee?? Wait . . . don’t answer that.

I pair 21 year old single malt scotch with Funyuns because I have a PhD in balls.

There are few things I dread more than a talkative barber.

When my wife shushes our kids, it’s b/c she wants them to use inside voices. When I do it, it’s b/c I don’t want them to speak ever again.

My wife likes her chai tea the way she likes her men: dirty and full of soy.

If you see me in a kids haircut joint on a Sunday morning, I’ve been masterfully outmaneuvered.

One minute you’re stretched out and reading on the couch, the next minute the floor is lava and refugee children are crawling all over you.

“This recipe calls for an entire shaker of salt” – kid chefs

“Hey, we’re all wearing cargo shorts from now on, right?” – dudes.

I blasted some DMX with a hard face as I handed over my money, so I’m pretty sure I’m that toll booth lady’s new hero.

My boys would get full scholarships if only monkey college were a thing.

I can’t decide if I want to get a bagel or end my career with an over the top “reply all” email.

Stumbled while removing boots and drunkenly slept on hotel floor for half an hour – like a boss.

Today I wrote something with an ink pen – like a freaking animal.

My kids asked for Chick-fil-A for lunch tomorrow so I’d better get in the drive thru line now.

Showed my kids the theatrical instead of the extended version of Return of the King and now I’m dead inside.

Many would see my wife bringing me a latte in bed as a kind gesture. I see it as a sign that she wants me to get out of bed.

Twitter is to Facebook as marijuana is to cherry Skoal. I mean, I assume. Not that I’ve ever experimented with cherry Skoal..

Waiting room full of catty women complaining about so-&-so and her see-through tops. Must resist urge to pretend to know so-&-so.

Got my truck back from the mechanic, but just noticed that the Lego Boba Fett on my keychain is missing a hand. There will be blood.

Had to attend an hour long call about how internal emails negatively impact productivity. Got nothing done during the call.

I’m making fruit smoothies because I’m trying to eat smart, but I’m also putting bacon in them, because I’m not smart.

Thought I was losing my mind last week but it turns out I was in Indiana.

People say “haters” like it’s a bad thing. I do some of my best work while hating.

I can’t figure out what’s more absurd – that my kid asked me what I want to be when I grow up, or that I couldn’t answer.

If God exists, she’s a female w/ a sense of humor. It’s the only explanation for pairing intense morning erections w/ an urgent need to pee.

Hey kids, it’s a summer Sunday & you’ve got zero responsibilities, so make sure to wake up at the crack of dawn & start complaining.

Summer break with the kids out of school is kinda like that time when my wife was in med school & I wanted to see her cadaver but then she made a point of showing me its bisected penis.

I’d love to go to dinner with the team to discuss strategy for tomorrow’s customer meeting except for the fact that I’d hate that.

I kinda want my wife to leave me just so I can win her back by crashing her company party & embarrassingly singing Against All Odds.

Your sarcastic remark notwithstanding, sipping CranApple on the couch while listening to Berlin WAS my plan for the day.

I’m never closer to being Captain America than when the dude at the table next to me talks down to the waitress.

Apparently, nobody else in this grocery store thought to work on their own honeycrisp-apples-are-back-in-season dance.

Simmer down, folks who like a band.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! We don’t hit people with brass cats!” – nothing can prepare you for the stupid things you’ll say as a parent.

It’s getting late. Should I brush my teeth now, or wait to see if I eat everything left in the pantry like always?

I’d have a closet full of medals if there were an Olympic event where you wipe a kid’s butt while being fed a Popsicle by another kid.