Erin: “If there’s one thing you’re consistent about, it’s being inconsistent.”
Listen kids, when you run with Mom your aim can be to “finish strong”. When you run with me, the aim is to finish “at all”.
Friends don’t let friends say “hella”
A stranger just had the temerity to say “au contraire mon frere” to me. Now I gotta cut a bitch.
I become the stealthiest man alive the moment my kids start playing w/ action figures together & no longer have me controlling the bad guys.
If only there were a way to get these kids out of the house that didn’t involve getting me out of the house.
Some day, the idea of having BYOSP parties will catch on. Until then, I’ll just have to be prepared to supply my guests with sweatpants.
There may come a day when I will be able to use the same tube of Super Glue for more than one application before it becomes dried up and useless. But this day is not that day.
This Earl Grey isn’t Twinings? Why not just serve me Lipton from a steel toe boot?
I have to pack my own suitcase? It’s like being adorable doesn’t count for anything anymore.
“Yeah, well that and a cup of coffee will get you . . . uh, something” – my wife, master of wit.
Damnit, I went to law school so I *wouldn’t* have to hang mini blinds.
My phone and I need couples therapy.
Dear people who sigh: enough already.
I harbor a secret resentment for all my talented friends who don’t run for President because they’re selfishly denying me the chance to be Press Secretary.
Well boys, we may have lost to the girls in all three relay races, but we cheated in hilarious ways, and that’s what counts.
It’s so great that we can gather over the holidays to stare at our phones together.
Me, during a five-way wrestling match with my kids: “Hey, stop it. You’re punching my penis.”
Son: “What penis?”
I took my son running with me for the first time today. It’s amazing how fast a run goes by when you’re discussing super powers.
If only Steve Jobs had spent his time developing a fat pill.
I’m convinced that I’d prefer having a hard day to all this pretending to have a hard day I’ve been doing.
Research suggests that moderate consumption of one or two alcoholic beverages is fucking lame.