Dear Tom,
As you are no doubt aware, this fall marks our 30th Friendiversary. I’m sure you’ve been planning the celebration for months, but I wanted to ask you not to host it at the George R. Brown Convention Center, but instead at a more classy venue like Minute Maid Park or maybe The Marquis II.
As far as musical acts, please don’t book Confederate Railroad or Pirates of The Mississippi, because you’re the only person in the 48 contiguous United States who ever liked those bands. (Besides, at some point in the evening Ron E. will probably grab a microphone and sing “Feed Jake” whether we want him to or not.) Try to book George Strait instead, who will have retired by then, but I’m sure he’d come out of retirement if you explain the occasion. Failing that, maybe The Black Eyed Peas or Kelly M. on the banjo. (Note: ask Kelly to learn the banjo).
In terms of the invitation list, we should probably cap it at something manageable like 5,000. Unfortunately, this guest count means that you’re not going to be able to invite even a tenth of the people who you describe as “a good friend of mine”. And obviously, Troy C. will be the only member of the law school Fearsome Foursome allowed to attend, as he’s the only member of that group to whom I am not allergic.
For catering, I suggest something high class like Underbelly or Brennan’s. If they are unavailable, maybe bulk Lunchables from Costco. As far as wine, you can of course accommodate this number of guests based solely on the bottles in your own home wine cellar, to say nothing of your offsite storage. But let me suggest that you also acquire some box wine with the removable bags that float in case at any point in the evening we find ourselves in tubes on the Guadalupe River.
As host, you should give the Keynote Address, the theme of which should be either “Mike Hamilton, Great or The Greatest?” or “Mike Hamilton: Old Friend and National Treasure”. I’ll give my own prepared remarks titled “Tom: He’ll Do In A Pinch”.
We should also probably try to invite some of our middle school teachers, with the possible exception of Mrs Raabe, who over the years has no doubt discovered that more than half of the plot summary index cards I submitted for her independent reading file were fraudulently invented during lunch right before class. Also, I’m still sore at Mrs Keeton for that time when I was traversing the library near and/or amongst four girls and she referred to us all collectively as “ladies”. And I leave it to your discretion to invite Dr. La Forge, on the condition that he does not bring his pistol.
From high school, we should invite Mrs Flynn due to your deep and abiding affection for the woman. No to Mrs Kutsko though, as her blatant favoritism for you over me remains one of the more vexing unsolved mysteries of my lifetime.
From Rice you are free to invite whomever you want, with the exception of that big nosed girl who offered to share her gum with me provided that I kissed it out of her mouth. From U of Chicago, I will invite a few people but not that fraternity brother you scared half to death when he mistook you as a pledge. To this day that remains the only time I have ever seen a human being turn translucent from fear.
From our mutual employment at Bracewell, we should invite the witnesses from the trial we had together so that maybe I’ll get their names right this time. We should not invite the recruiting coordinators, because they display the same baffling characteristics as Mrs Kutsko. Also, we shouldn’t invite that dude who tried to get me fired for allegedly using an anonymous email to humbly suggest that the law firm honor their commitment to pay a competitive salary.
From the modern era with me as one of your clients, you should invite the associates you have assigned to work on my legal matters because they were some of your “best guys”, only to inform me two weeks later that you fired them because they were awful.
Let me know if there’s any help you need in the preparation process so that I can figure out a reason why help from me will not be forthcoming. Looking forward to the party!