Number of social media posts since Election Day that I’ve started to write only to delete before submitting: 127
Number of such posts that featured the phrase “stop being such pussies”: 35
Percentage of such posts that struck a tone of cautious optimism or grudging reconciliation: 49
Percentage of such posts that expressed the view that “there is no possible healing from this” or “to Hell with uniting as a nation, I want to fight MORE” or “are you fucking kidding me with this ass clown?!?”: 49
Percentage of such posts that featured a lame joke about how at least there’s still ice cream: 1
Percentage of such posts in which I’m talking about The Silmarillion with waaaaay too much command of the subject matter, and liken Trump to Melkor when Feanor tells him to “Get thee from my gate thou jail-crow of Mandos!”: 1
Number of posts that were devoid of any attempt at humor: 12
Percentage of those non-humorous posts that made me feel kinda gross: 100
Number of posts that were just different versions of my post-election playlist: 3
Percentage of such playlists that feature Tom Waits singing You Can Never Hold Back Spring: 100
Number of posts in which I quantified my election-related despair using Scoville heat units (SHU): 1
Number of posts in which I personified my election-related despair, and named it Rothschild: 3
Number of posts in which I call Rothschild “a total dick”: 3
Number of posts in which I mix metaphors and assign Rothschild 700000 SHUs: 1
Number of posts which feature polar bear sex: 0. (Standards, dude)
Number of posts which feature my stream-of-consciousness response to the events of election night as they occurred: 6
Percentage of such stream-of-consciousness posts that are just repeated instances and variations of the word “fuck”: 50.
Number of posts in which I say that we’re still a great nation (we always have been), and that the sky will not fall (though it’s probably gonna be REALLY stormy for a while), and that in the end, we’re gonna come through this shit show with strength and grace and yes dignity if we can all just keep our shit together and act like we’re the resilient people we sometimes forget we are: this one.