Before sending a group text, ask yourself these questions:

(1) Is the message urgent?
a. If yes, proceed to question 2.
b. If no, do not send the group text.

(2) How urgent is the message?
a. “I’m dying” – proceed to question 3.
b. “I just met Bono!” – do not send the group text.
c. “McRib is back!” – do not send the group text.
d. “I just got engaged!” – do not send the group text. Also, there’s this thing called Facebook.

(3) How are you dying?
a. “Gored by the last male white rhino as an indifferent sun sets over Kenya; picture attached.” – proceed to question 4.
b. “Group texting while driving.” – do not send the group text.
c. “McRib is back.” – do not send the group text.
d. “My liver gave its two week notice.” – welcome to the club; do not send the group text.

(4) Do you hate or at least deeply resent the people on your distribution list?
a. If yes, proceed to question 5.
b. If no, do not send the group text.

(5) Do you want the people on your distribution list to hate or at least deeply resent you? And are you a terrorist?
a. If yes to both, proceed to question 6.
b. If no to either, do not send the group text.

(6) Do you believe in karma and/or an afterlife?
a. If yes, do not send the group text.
b. If no, proceed to question 7.

(7) Do you really want to be remembered as the kind of person who sends group texts?
a. If yes, proceed to question 8.
b. If no, do not send the group text.

(8) Seriously?
a. If yes, reconsider.
b. If no, do not send the group text.

(9) Why are you at question 9?
a. Made a mistake.
b. I thought there’d be a joke down here.
c. McRib is back?

(10) There is no question 10.
a. Why not?
b. What am I supposed to do now?
c. Do you ever practice law?
d. Where can I get good tacos?