* Five days a week I talk, nudge, wheedle, bribe, threaten, cajole, negotiate, tickle, croon, plead, poke, whine, and drag my kids out of bed. Two days a week, our roles are reversed.
* Hamiltementia – mental lapse characterized by the donning of sweatpants or yoga pants just to drive morning carpool, and then subsequently forgetting what you’re wearing and going out in public.
* I can’t decide which is worse: that I was seen at Ross Dress For Less by a total MILF from the kids’ school, or that she witnessed me picking out and trying to match throw pillows.
* Hatch plot to fly wife’s college friend to town for the weekend as a birthday surprise. Keep it secret for months – right up until one hour before, when the aggregation of all your cocky hints catches up to you, and your wife-turned-sleuth guesses your plan. Refuse to make eye contact for fear of confirming her suspicions, thereby unwittingly confirming her suspicions. Resolve to become better liar.
* Faking a conference call so I don’t have to talk to the maids. Thug life.
* Some day, shrimp emoji. Some day.
* Board plane. Stow bag. Text wife: “Don’t not miss me too much”. Receive winking kiss emoticon back. Somewhere in the distance, a wolf howls.
* Parenting: where just getting to take a crap is a victory.
* Drink beer OR put together bookshelves. Never and.
* Gawd! Texting someone who doesn’t have their iMessage read receipt engaged is like using a rotary phone.
* Either my butt is exceptionally sweaty, or I’m sitting in my son’s urine. #toiletthoughts
* “I think you don’t want a challenging partner. You want a playmate.” – my wife, earning her PhD in The Obvious.
* When the sex starts, a lot of dogs will leave the room. Some dogs will at least sheepishly get off the bed. My dog? Full eye contact.
* What about the people who speak truth to the people who speak truth to power? You never hear about those guys.
* If I had a time machine, I’d go back and prevent myself from buying Moonstruck on VHS.
* Attempt to blow conch to herald your wife’s return. Realize you don’t know how to blow a conch. Sing Fall Out Boy thru it instead. Nail it.
* I’m not here to impress you. Does that impress you? Please tell me that impresses you, because it’s either that or popping a wheelie.