The Hamilton Index (apologies to Harper’s Magazine).
Total number of hours (of which I am aware) spent in “mandatory” parent meetings at the school related to orientation, extra curricular activities or similar matters by my parents during the entire length of my education: zero.
Total numbers of hours spent in such meetings by me just this month, including the one I’m currently sitting through on a Saturday morning: more than ten.
Percentage chance that my daughter would engage me in real conversation in the car before she got her phone: 100.
Percentage chance since: 25.
Number of those conversations that relate in some way to Instagram: 1 in 3.
Percentage of attended football games prior to 2014 in which I engaged in a feminist critique of cheerleading from the stands: negligible.
Percentage of attended football games since my daughter became a cheerleader in which I have done so: 100.
Number of times prior to 2011 in which I doubted whether football should even be a sport: zero.
Frequency with which I have that doubt now: daily.
Amount I was willing to pay for a cup of coffee for the first 35 years of my life: zero.
Amount I am willing to pay now that I drink coffee regularly: unknown – whatever Starbucks charges to my card after I hand it to them obliviously.
Percentage chance by which something I wear will be second-guessed by my wife: 10.
By my daughter: 75.
Percentage chance that I will be able to get to the store after this meeting and purchase required equipment in time for my son’s first lacrosse practice: 50.
Reason that this student drama club meeting I am attending was labeled “mandatory” for parents: unclear.
Chance that I will retain whatever information is being shared during this meeting: snowball’s.