Log onto Facebook half-heartedly, as a momentary distraction while you wait for another program to open. Notice that it’s Jessica B___’s birthday. Suddenly feel the icy grip of dread at your own woeful inadequacy. Damnit! You need to bring your “A” game on a day like this, and at best you’re in a D+ sorta place. If only you’d been preparing for today, instead of frittering away your time reading the Craigslist “casual encounters” ads and scouring eBay for the best roleplaying miniature figure to represent your character Rackthorn the Beguiler in a hypothetical campaign you’ll never play. What to do?! Quickly man, you’ve got to act fast!
Search for “Emergency Birthday Greeting” in the index of your self-published sixteen volume magnum opus How To Be Awesome. Realize you forgot to write the index. Or any of the volumes.
Return to drawing board. Realize you did a drawing board birthday greeting a couple of years ago, featuring cartoon characters hastily scrawled on a white board decrying your inadequacy at the time.
Abandon hope of constructing a worthy birthday greeting, and instead compile partial list of things to avoid doing in the half-assed greeting you’re about to give, including but not limited to: (1) accidentally writing “un” before the phrase “happy birthday”, (2) likening her to Fregley from the Wimpy Kid books, or (3) including the phrase “you suck” at any point during the greeting.
Take deep breath. Give the following birthday greeting:
Happy birthday Jess! Erin and I love and miss you, and hope your day is fabulous. You suck.
Damnit!