Sometimes the Q&A sessions my kids initiate over Saturday breakfast are more challenging than any dozen exams I’ve ever taken combined. A summary of this morning’s topics (in my own words):
• Summarize the conflict in the Middle East from the dawn of time to the present.
• Compare and contrast viruses vs bacteria.
• Explain all the reasons that our plane to Florida will not be shot down by Russian separatists.
• Explain all the reasons we will not be eaten by sharks in Florida.
• How does one kindly reject a sixth grader with a unibrow who asks his buddy to ask you to the summer camp dance?
• Does a unibrow mean that kid who wanted to dance with R___ was secretly a werewolf? Provide sources for your answer.
• Explain the mechanics of how a python dislocates it’s jaw. Use a pen to draw diagrams on the napkins provided.
• Can a shark dislocate its jaw? A T-Rex? Agree or disagree that either would be awesome.
• If you HAD to answer just one, which are best: kitties or puppies?
• Why do you read the business section first, and never read the arts section? Weren’t you an English major?
• Why do you own stock in a bully like Amazon?
• Can a regular balloon, like for birthdays and stuff – not a hot air balloon – go into space? Wait, answer for hot air balloons too. Answer for both!
• Why do some people not have homes in America? Why do you not look at them when they hold up their cardboard signs?
• What if a shark had a unibrow? Wait – what if there were a shark that was also a werewolf? Like a werewolf bit a shark and gave it werewolf blood or whatever. Discuss.
• Summarize the pros and cons of portable holes vs bags of holding. Which would you prefer to own? In what circumstances might you regret your choice?
• Admit that you misspoke or were otherwise confused when you suggested that Earth To Echo was not awesome. Describe your three favorite parts.
• No! Ignore the above question, because R___ hasn’t seen the movie!
• Creatively resolve the conflict between your children over the potential revelation of spoilers for a mediocre movie. Or leave it to them to resolve without your intervention. Quick! Make a parenting decision!
• If white carbs are bad for us, why are we all eating bagels?
• Calculate how much will be in our college funds by the time each of us graduates. Show your work.
• Why does it take you so long to read the paper in the morning?