Applicant seeks position doing something different, but not super boring. Must be able to work from home, in underwear, while CNBC plays in background. Salary range sought: giant to ridiculous.
Job skills:
• Ability to make simple concepts more complicated by using big words;
• Good taste in cologne;
• Talent for turning any conversation into a referendum on my relationship with the speaker(s);
• Resistant to hypnosis (probably);
• Fluent speaker of English, legalese, corporate speak, nerd, Thieves Cant, and double talk;
• Capable of forming strongly held opinions without need for facts;
• Voted “most likely to use a colorful analogy” and has received the Jesus H. Fuck Award three years in a row for proficient on the job profanity.
References available upon request.