By the power vested in me as an officer of the court and member of the State Bar of the great state of Texas, I hereby grant myself an instantaneous, emergency, extra-judicial, divorce based solely on the egregious lapse of judgment displayed by my now former wife back at the Cracker Barrel gift shop in Little Rock, Arkansas, wherein she did knowingly and recklessly purchase two noise making toy guns for our two sons while we still had ten more hours to drive – ten hours made more Hellish by a loud duel in the back seat between a “cowboy pistol” and an “awesome alien laser gun thingy”.