If we would just take problems like the economy or global warming and make them into a Lego video game, my son would show us how to solve them.

I will keep eating pistachios until 7th grade never happened.

One reason I’m not a billionaire: I can’t remember anything about Archimedes, but can’t forget anything about Hulk Hogan.

I’d make the All Star Team if there were a league of dads who sit on playground benches staring at their phones.

My wife writes down each birthday gift & who gave it so we have an archive of the folks to whom we will never manage to send thank you notes

When you work from home, dressing becomes optional. Then showering. Then dignity.

Sometimes I go to Sears just to remind myself why I don’t go to Sears.

My yard guys arrived at the same time my cleaning crew did, so now there are 9 people here talking judgmentally about me in Spanish.

So proud – I endured my nephew’s all day amusement park birthday in the Texas heat and only cried from life hate a dozen times.

Once in a while, you should be allowed to call in sick to your marriage.   Sometimes I wish I were friends with a scientologist so I could stop being friends with him because he’s a scientologist.

Me at 2AM – Wheeee! Staying up is fun!
Me at 6AM – Last Night Mike is an asshole.

My wife: successfully choosing the least popular item in the silent auction since 1999.

You don’t know hilarity until you’ve eavesdropped on your son practicing spit takes in the shower.

Sometimes it’s important to twist your ankle in a pothole & belly flop in front of your kid’s art class just to stay grounded.

Nobody is more ninja than my kids when they sneak into my bed at night. Which pisses me off b/c it proves they *are* capable of being quiet.

Crap, my son found my spell book. Now it’s just a matter of time until he can undo the idiocy spell I cast on my wife before we got engaged.

Not gonna lie: I kinda look like The Hulk when I put on my son’s The Hulk pajamas.

I think one of the keys to my marriage is that our first kiss happened after my wife’s first punch to my jaw.

A bad day for my wife is a patient dying. A bad day for me is a coworker calling me to tell me they just sent me an email.

Brought the kids to the playground so they could all sit in my lap in the blistering heat.

Sometimes I just walk in circles around my house to make my kids feel stupid for following me.

Kids are so unique – they all have their own special way of getting milk all over the table.

Thanks for nothing Andrew Marvel. I’ve been able to recite To His Coy Mistress since 9th grade & it has persuaded exactly zero chics to show me their boobs.

My youngest waits until his siblings have their pants around their ankles, then he bursts into the bathroom & spits in their underwear. ♥

The nanny organized our pantry so that all the risotto, quinoa & falafel that nobody’s ever gonna make is right up front, mocking us

Some days, the idea that Fran Drescher had a career at all is too much for me to bear.