3:00AM – wake to dog and cat play fighting on your bed. Throw cat out of room and make sure all three doors to bedroom are completely shut. Go back to sleep.

4:00AM – Wake to youngest son coming into bedroom (letting cat enter in the process) because he thinks it’s morning. Tell him to shush it, but allow him to climb into your bed. Go back to sleep. 

4:30AM – Wake to damn cat biting your foot. Put it out again. Go back to sleep.

5:10AM – Wake to wife’s alarm as she prepares to run. Lobby for her to walk the dog first, which will obviate the need for you to walk it, but delay her return to assist with morning kid stuff. Go back to sleep.

5:30AM – Be woken by youngest son asking if he can have a pet snow leopard, or a puffer fish, or a box turtle. Answer no to leopard, yes to fish, and that you’re reserving judgment on the turtle, but the answer is no for everything including desserts and movies and fun of any kind if he doesn’t shush and go back to sleep.

6:00AM – Wake to your first alarm. Walk across hall to tell oldest daughter to get up and get ready for school. Go back to sleep.

6:10AM – Be woken by oldest daughter for some drama related to her inability to locate a critical element of her uniform, or because she’s singing some song, or because she’s gotta share the dream she just had. Go back to sleep as soon as allowed to do so by her. 

6:30AM – wake to second alarm. Walk across hall to tell oldest son and youngest daughter to get up so they can get ready for school. Hear wife moving around downstairs and instruct them to file all complaints or concerns with her. Go back to sleep. 

7:00AM – wake to third alarm. Hit snooze. 

7:09AM – wake to snoozed alarm. Rise like Ramesses II from his crypt.

7:10AM – receive text from wife asking if I’m ever planning to get out of bed, or if I’m driving carpool today, or simply “wtf?” 

7:11AM – compose cranky text reply. Think better of it. Compose funny reply. Realize it’s not funny. Search for adequate emoticon. Be disappointed that there is not an emoticon of a dragon devouring a town. 

7:15AM – be told to turn off light in my bathroom by youngest son because he’s “trying to get some sleep.”

Repeat every night/morning until insane.