Everyone is complaining about Black Friday creep (which I agree sucks). But nobody I’ve heard is discussing Thanksgiving creep. In my day, we were excused from school at noon on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving, essentially giving us a long weekend. By contrast, my kids got out at noon last Friday – netting them a full NINE AND A HALF DAYS off. Nine and a half days around the house to drive me batshit insane:

* No, no, no – sticks of butter are NOT pets!

* Tidings of comfort and joy? I can tell you what it doesn’t mean: shrieking and jumping on my bed without pants.

* Cut the crap – there’s no such thing as a Beyblade injury.

* Look, when I said that, I was making a joke about slang. But if you actually go around calling your fingers your “fings”, you’re gonna get your ass kicked.

* Instead of fighting over Lite Brights, can you at least fight over a toy with which either of you actually wants to play?

* Hey! Get your fing out of my ear!

* We’ve discussed this. Cats. Do not. Surf.