Okay kids, we have a three day weekend and Mom’s working during almost all of it. This means you should prepare for me to: (1) yell at you for the slightest of reasons and then catch myself in the middle and apologize while I’m yelling, (2) yell at you for medium infractions and make ridiculous threats like I’m going to smash your iPad with a hammer if you do it again, then sheepishly apologize five minutes later and explain how everything is probably Mom’s fault, (3) not yell at you in the face of the most serious misbehavior because I feel bad about the other times I’ve already yelled at you, (4) let you watch a Hell of a lot more TV than any of us are gonna admit to Mom, (5) feature bacon in a majority of the meals I serve, (6) play that awesome version of Hide & Seek where I jump out and scare the shit out of you, (7) lecture you about not cheating in Monopoly while negotiating egregiously lopsided trades, (8) complain that I haven’t gotten to run because Mom’s gone but be secretly delighted, (9) do a lousy job of hiding my disappointment when nobody wants to read the books I wanna read, and (10) keep trying to be better at this.