Your honor, my client is here to enter a plea of “no contest” related to the allegation that on the evening of January 10th, at a wine tasting event at a fancy restaurant, he did knowingly and intentionally deliver a boisterous double “high five” (also known as a “high ten”) to another white man. My client stipulates that the other white man was a stranger to him before the evening in question. In his defense, my client offers the following mitigating factors for the court’s consideration: (a) the high ten in question was initiated in celebration of the other man’s statement that his teenage daughter had recently had the good sense to call him instead of driving home drunk – which I think everyone in this court would agree is justification for jubilance, (b) the individual receiving the high ten bore a striking resemblance to Dave Ramsey, a public figure for whom my client has a great fondness, and (c) the other individual was also wearing a leather vest which, by all witness accounts, could not be described as anything less than fabulous. I would further point out that this is a first offense for my client, who generally frowns on high fives and certainly never delivers the dreaded high ten. Taken in total, we believe that these facts argue in favor of leniency, but my client will in any event respect the judgment of this court.