How to break up with your ’99 Chevy Tahoe:
(1) Say “it’s not you, it’s me”.
(2) Explain that you’ve been growing apart for years now.
(3) Assure her that she’s just as attractive as she was the day you met, and those aren’t merely dents, they are badges of honor earned while carrying precious cargo.
(4) Remind her again that it’s not her fault that she is missing the passenger side mirror (which has been replaced six times during your relationship) – it’s just that your wife drives like Batman.
(5) Laugh about the decade she spent reeking of breast milk that leaked from bottles that were routinely tossed under seats and forgotten.
(6) Reminisce about how she was born before the third row seat was an option in Chevy Tahoes, and how one afternoon you and your brother installed a redneck third row seat anyway – because sometimes two half-asses can make a whole ass.
(7) Remind her that, while you love her and know she means well, she’s kinda killing the planet, and you’re not sure that works in light of your whole let’s-not-kill-the-planet thing.
(8) Assure her you’re not going to sell her, but instead are going to make your children drive her, which they will hate and you will enjoy.
(9) Tell her you can still be friends, and you know, drive to the dump together, or take the dog to the vet, or whatever.
(10) Mention the Art Car Parade casually, just to gauge her interest.
(11) Thank her for her faithful service to your family, and the countless times she came through – like racing to the emergency room when your daughter’s tongue was nearly severed off, or powering through flooded Houston streets during Tropical Storm Allison to find and rescue your stranded wife as the waters rose around you – and so, so many other clutch situations when you were so grateful to have her reliable presence in your life.
(12) Wonder why you’re getting choked up about what started as a few dumb jokes about your beat up SUV.
(13) Go with it.