I may owe an apology of some sort to somebody about something from last night. However, as I’m not specifically aware of who, what or why, I’ve prepared this apology template that I hereby submit to the general public:
Dear [sir / miss / Whataburger dude],
After last night, I [want / need / have been ordered by the court] to tell you that I am so sorry about my [behavior / statements / outfit]. I deeply regret [inconveniencing / insulting / twerking in front of] you. I would also like to apologize to your [spouse / ancestors / friend who I kept calling Evel Knievel], and to retract my [blood oath for vengeance / remarks about your dog]. Please [forgive me / don’t spit in my food / know that I don’t really think you’re a werewolf]. Also, I’d appreciate if you would [let me pay for your dry cleaning / sign my cast / reinstate my library card]. Finally, I assure you that [this won’t happen again / I will be much better next time / I looked it up and raccoons DO eat wasp nests].
Sincerely,
JMH